I hate NY: a rant by Richard

I Hate New York

’m moving away from New York later this year. I’m moving to Las Vegas. The reason is that my wife found a better job there, but I like to tell people “New York just doesn’t have enough debauchery for me” to make them think that I am a party animal.

I have not enjoyed living in New York.

I presently pay $2600 a month in rent for an apartment that:

• lacks a dishwasher
• is in Staten Island
• is a duplex apartment.

The resident of the other apartment in the duplex:

• has some sort of sleep apnea, or some other condition that causes his resounding snores to echo through the walls
• calls the landlord to complain about us when we close our door too loudly for his tastes
• has his own driveway
• nevertheless, occasionally chooses to park his car in our driveway, blocking us in
• threatens me if I ask him not to do this

This is actually far better than our previous (Brooklyn) apartment that

• was more expensive
• was burglarized
• flooded nearly every time it rained
• couldn’t have packages delivered because the post office refused to acknowledge that the address existed. They had to be delivered to the lobby of the building next door, where often they were stolen.

Interesting fact about that apartment, the egress led underneath the fire escapes from the apartments of other residents of the building. One of those residents had the quaint little custom of urinating off the edge of the fire escape. I learned about this the hard way.

The residents of the building next door had a different custom, throwing objects or threatening notes at me when I was outside sorting the trash.

Before that, we paid a ridiculous amount of rent for a way-too-small (Manhattan) apartment in a high-rise building. Before that, I lived in a small apartment (Queens) with my co-worker in a house his parents owned, which was a pretty sweet deal, honestly. Before that, I lived in a rat-infested apartment whose landlord never gave me my mailbox key, or once returned a phone call.

Maybe living in terrible apartments with horrible neighbors is just the price you pay for the New York experience? Surely it’s worth it to be in the center of so much civilization and culture?

Pass. Maybe for some people the alleged perks of New York are worth it, but I’m an uncultured homebody. Culture and civilization are wasted on me.

I saw some shows on Broadway. I saw Shakespeare in the Park. I ate at some fancy places. I will admit, those were fun evenings. I’ve also had a fun evenings binging Netflix, or at the bowling alley, or at theaters that aren’t on Broadway. Given the choice, I’d gladly sacrifice proximity to New York’s commercial/ entertainment offerings in exchange for not knowing the joy of being peed on by my neighbors while exiting my recently-burglarized, floodwater-filled apartment which I pay an exorbitant fee to inhabit.

And I’ve only told you stories about the neighbors. Don’t get me started with the stories about randos. (Spoiler: a wider variety of bodily fluids).

New York hasn’t been all bad. The best thing about it - the sole reason I moved here - was the presence of my then-girlfriend now-wife, of course. She, in turn, chose to be/remain here because this place has opportunities for lawyers. I did find a great software job here with wonderful colleagues who I’m glad to have met. I also like seeing places (often subway stations) I’m familiar with on TV shows and movies, great perk of living here.

In conclusion, I hate New York. This city is literally a pile of garbage (the sanitation department is on strike); it has spat on me, peed on me, pooped on my wife, and it charged me most of my paycheck for the privilege. I am glad to be leaving.